So Tuesday night, I flew to the cavalcade of sweltering heat and discomfort that is Phoenix, AZ, to be with my Mom for a surgical procedure on Wednesday. Said trip started auspiciously when my flight, the last of the evening to PHX, was delayed for three hours. No one at Mother United seemed to know why. Because it was so late, I wound up in the terminal rather than the Red Carpet Club. This did allow for some interesting people watching, capped off by a screaming match between two Spanish women, one of whom was a dwarf. Good times.
I got up early Wednesday, thinking I'd beat the heat, to go for a run. I could have not been more wrong. 97 degrees at 545AM plus humidity (not Chicagoland-style but humid enough to exacerbate the already stupid heat) is simply unacceptable. I was the only dope running...this should have told me something. It was not a good run. Pace was off due to the heat. Yuck. I'm glad I did it because it prepped me for the rest of they day.
Mom's procedure, without going into significant detail, involved a long day at her doctor's office. It had been converted into a surgical center for the day. A specialist surgeon flies in for the day to perform a specific series of procedures. Each procedure lasts between four and six hours. I knew that in advance. What I didn't know is that the average age of the patients was about 900 years old. Let me give you a flavor of what went down in this waiting room. Picture it:
Seating for sixteen people - there are at least 12 patients plus people accompanying them. This does not include one wheelchair and one guy on a scooter. So things are TIGHT.
A table with water bottles, vending machine items like "Hunny Buns" and an endless supply of Satan's refesher, Sunny D (Sunny D flowed freely on my mission - los cubanos thought it was great. It is not.)
Hearing aids not working - lots of yelling. Lots of it. It started with yelling about what they were in for and quickly descended into Obama-bashing. Several people are convinced that they are on the Obama Death List due to their age and maladies. It got worse from there...someone old man started complaining that he couldn't watch Fox News and needed to see his Glenn Beck.
I wanted to die. I probably lost more blood than my Mom did during her procedures from biting my tongue and the inside of my lip. It was crazy. Now the good news is that my Mom sailed through her procedure and did great. She was worn out by the day's end and we were lucky. We got out after five hours. I felt like a freed hostage once we were out of the office. Of course, as soon as we were outside, where it was 107 degrees, I once again felt like one of the oppressed.
Anyway, so Mom has some cool wounds that are now recovering nicely. She looks like she got into a knife fight with Lindsay Lohan. I wish she'd use that excuse but something tells me she won't. She's on the mend so I'll go ahead and fly back home this afternoon. Let's see if I can get home on time.
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