12 April 2014

My MacGyver Moment Fail

The tool part is true - the rest, lies.
Some of you may be familiar with the American television show, MacGyver, that ran from the mid-80's to the early 90's. I don't recall watching it when it aired and I know it more for the relentless mocking it has deservedly earned at the hands of the brilliant writers of The Simpsons. All I know from that is foolish is he who dares badmouth MacGyver in the presence of Homer's she-hag sisters-in-law, Patty and Selma, and that the Mac is pretty good with a paper clip, duct tape and a Swiss Army knife. I had an opportunity to go all MacGyver this afternoon and it was an epic FAIL.

Here's how it all went down, and by down I mean horribly wrong. With the house to myself today and the sun shining with warm temps (60 degrees is warm here in Connecticutistan), I decided to sit out on our back deck, read a book, and soak up some sun. Since our back deck is nicely hidden from our neighbors, I didn't feel too bad in taking off my shirt to soak up some of that sun. Leaving my phone inside, I read and enjoyed the sun for about an hour when I decided to head back in. Alas, it was not to be. I was locked out. The door to our deck has a nasty habit of locking itself. I am not the first person to have suffered this ignominious fate. The Boy and the stunningly patient and mighty fine SML had to call friends to come and get them released from the perch that is our deck. Just a week ago, we had kids over who got locked out as well. So it wasn't like this was a first, except for the fact that I was all alone, sans a phone and a shirt.

Inspired by the tales of the MacGyver character I'd heard, I set to free myself. I was missing some of his tools, i.e. duct tape and paper clips, but I was not to be deterred. I bound some twigs together to see if I could jimmy open the lock. FAIL. I took off my belt to see if could use a part of it to twist the lock. FAIL. I tried getting the screens off the back windows to then force one of the windows open. FAIL. As the minutes ticked by, I began to ponder the jump off the back deck. Four, count 'em, four times, I climbed over the rail and got set to make the leap. Each time I did that my inner voice was screaming, 'Don't do it! Don't do it!' I mean what was I thinking? I mean, I guess I could have started plucking the hideous white chest hairs I've sprouted and crafted some kind of rope, right? I'm sure that's what this tool MacGyver would have done. I quickly dismissed that stupid idea and I listened to that voice of warning. I mean let's face it, I'm no stuntman. I envisioned myself making the leap, breaking my ankle and then having to crawl my way to the house...no good was coming from that. Then I tried to break the glass on the door. Yeah, it was that desperate. Turns out our dual-pane, environmentally-friendly windows are built to take a beating. It didn't break. I'd been outside about three hours at this point and shade had overtaken the deck. I began to ponder at what point do I start screaming like a little girl for help?

Then I heard it - the sweet sound of my neighbor's riding lawn mower coming around the corner! There he was and in an instant, the quest for some kind of ridiculous MacGyver-esque escape was quashed. With a very quick shout out to him with my garage code, he was inside my house and unlocking my back door and I was free, free at last! I was never so glad to hear the roar of that riding mower and I'm sure he was never so glad that I threw my shirt back on as soon as I got in the house.

I'm feeling a lot more MacGruber after this afternoon's little escapade. So what have I learned today? Here's a recap:

  • Always check that stupid lock on the back door before closing that door
  • Keep your phone with you, dude!
  • You can't go all MacGyver if you have nothing on you
  • And by all that's holy, keep your shirt on!

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