It's her birthday

Celebrating her big day in Moline, IL

It's an auspicious day here in the Den. The stunningly patient and mighty fine SML is celebrating her birthday. This is her 28th birthday that she has, for better or worse, celebrated with me. That's a lot of birthdays and I've only forgotten it once in all those years. Twice, I tried to convince her that the houses we bought right around her birthday constituted her birthday presents. With a track record like that, I know you are thinking what I'm thinking, "#Husbandoftheyear!"

PS - If you are thinking that, you are a man who's been married a long time, like me. You will also know this is poorly conceived thinking.

Anyway, there was no breakfast in bed or other traditional birthday shenanigans here today. But there was a hat, banner, and blasters that I, in a shock to no one, did not provide. That's because the stunningly patient and mighty fine SML is not here. She's somewhere in the middle of the United States, with one of her dear friends, taking turns driving an SUV, dragging a U-Haul trailer packed with very important stuff, like TMFKATB's golf clubs. Because golf. Because his head will explode if he doesn't have his clubs at his side when he starts school.

These two women (#I80ladies if you want to follow them on the Instagram), who have five grandchildren behind them, are by all accounts having a really good time. The stunningly patient and mighty fine SML overcame her fear of dragging a trailer and is now so confident in her skills that she may have a second career in driving the big rigs. They found a 7-11 yesterday and got their free Slurpee. They saw some old man, in full commando, relieving himself into traffic from the side of the freeway. They stayed in Moline, IL last night! Isn't America great?

Believe it or not, they've talked the entire time and have not run out of things to talk about. Let's be honest, I'd have shot myself by now. But not my wife. She's having fun with her friend, celebrating her birthday in several states. If she's lucky, birthday dinner may be somewhere in Wyoming. Suffice to say, it's been a memorable birthday for her. She deserves it.

Happy birthday to my favorite!

Road Trip - The End

After a relatively brief four hour drive, the Oranges of Wrath Tour came to an end when we pulled into our hotel earlier this afternoon. It was, ironically, the longest day of driving thanks to hordes of cars adorned in the orange 'T' of the Tennessee Vols making their way to Tampa. Turns out the hotel I picked is within spitting distance of Raymond James Stadium where the Outback Bowel (not a typo) is being played and our hotel seems to be housing an inordinate amount of orange-clad Vols fans. I had no idea how literal the Oranges of Wrath Tour would become...

The highlight of today's trek was breakfast. Breakfast at the Waffle House. I've been fortunate to eat in some amazing places all over this world. I've had some really memorable meals. This was one of them, but not because of the meal. It was not a bad meal at all. It was a simple waffle and I loved it. As the three of us saddled up to the counter, I looked around and saw the most democratic, even catholic (broad or wide-ranging) institution I've ever seen. It was a cross-section of what our country is: multi-colored, multi-generational, all kinds of bank balances, all enjoying a simple staple of Americana, the waffle.

Now it's the last day of the year and I can say we are beat! Since we started this trip, the stunningly patient and mighty fine SML and I have racked up 3,365 miles driving through ten states. By the time we return to Connecticutistan in a few days, our total state tally will be 13.

What a trip! It's been an honor to spend so much time with CAL. She's ready for this next step in her life. We'll get her settled over the next two days and then it's back to reality.

But my reality now is a bed. I'm tired. One of my most favorite cities in the world, Sydney, Australia welcomed 2016 hours ago, so as far as I'm concerned, I don't need to stay up watching horrible lip syncing and even worse scripted celebrity yapping from Times Square.

Thanks for sticking around for the Oranges of Wrath Tour. Happy New Year! 

Road Trip - Day Three

Day Three of the Oranges of Wrath. Five states were traversed and as the day draws to a close, we are a mere four hours drive from the finish line! Here are the highlights:

Texas

As we got our start in Beaumont (where we stayed in the most ratched Residence Inn ever), CAL who is suddenly a Texan to the core, had to buy a pair of cowboy boots. We stopped at an emporium of all things Texas cowboy called Cavender's. I nearly got the pointy end of a boot rammed through my skull there. Note to self for my next trip to Cavender's: shorts (golf shorts, mind you not a "bro" version of Daisy Dukes) a pink Polo, and a pair of Brooks' running shoes are NOT appropriate attire for said store ever. Suffice to say, the welcome wagon was not rolled my way. CAL though scored these boots:

With the boots added to our already heavily laden transport, we made a run for the border.

Louisiana

This is a swamp. We are driving over it. Welcome to Louisiana. Lots more billboards concerned about my soul. The big question in Louisiana is if I die tonight, will I awake in Heaven or Hell. Given the ratched hotel from the night before, Hell had already been seen, so I'll take Heaven. Also between Scott and Baton Rouge, I decided to stop for boudin and cracklins. Taking one look at the place, I drove right on past sans the pork delights. It looked like a real-life version of the "Saw" set. Nope, even by my low standards.

Mississippi 

I wasn't driving so didn't pay a lot of attention. There seemed to be a lot of mobile home parks.

Alabama 

Apparently people in this state are very, very accident prone. I base this on the number of billboards for the services of accident / injury attorneys. It's almost as if these fine practitioners of the law are encouraging people to go out and fall at the Wal-Mart. But they wouldn't do that, right?

Florida 

Just 35 miles out of Mobile, we crossed the state line and found ourselves in the rainy Klanhandle. I am pleased to report that the body / storage bag strapped to our roof is living up to its 100% water-proof guarantee. Also, Floridians appear to be as accident-prone as their Alabama neighbors. This is an epidemic, people. Another epidemic - the Waffle House. There using at every single exit off the I10. This pleases me.

So we are calling it a night in Florida's Capitol tonight. That leaves us a mere four hours behind the wheel tomorrow. Can I get a 'woo' and a 'hoo'?

Road Trip - Day Two

587 miles driven today and we are still in the vast expanse that is Texas, but we're basically Louisiana-adjacent at this point. When they said everything's bigger in Texas, my help, they weren't kidding. Sheesh!

Texas - all along the I10

We started the morning in Fort Stockton and it quickly became clear that the Texas countryside goes on for forever and a day. Note to self - people in this area wear cowboy hats and boots in neither an ironic nor hipster fashion. They mean business. Now as you get into the 'Hill Country,' it gets a lot prettier, unexpectedly so. From the I10, you learn that Texans love their trucks. Wow! Every truck seems to be the 'king cab' model and every SUV is the 'XL' model. It's like every driver has a raging Napoleonic complex. Also, there are an inordinate number of cars just left along the side of the freeway. I counted at least a dozen as we drove. It's like the I10 is a mammoth Goodwill drop off box for cars.

I also noticed, particularly in east Texas, billboards expressing a lot of concern for my soul and the souls of my fellow drivers. Apparently we are in trouble. The good news is that each of these offered up an 800 number with the reassurance that Visa/MasterCard/Amex are accepted  to ease the path to salvation. I'm going to  stick with the plan I'm currently on, but thanks.

We also happened onto the filthiest gas station bathroom pretty much ever. It made the cans at the Port Authority look like a sterile room in a CDC lab. Do yourself a favor and don't use the bathroom in the Exxon in Flatonia. It is a Level 5 HazMat situation. I think Ebola is incubating there. Be smart (and by smart I mean disease-free) and hit the Buccee's a few exits before. There is not enough hand sanitizer on the planet that would make you feel good about that place.

We found solace a few hours later in Katy at Rudy's. There is nothing that brisket, slaw, and peach cobbler can't cure. It was a great way to prep for the last 90 minutes of driving. Now we're done for the night. Tomorrow it's Louisiana, Alabama (may we not relive the epic episode of 'Top Gear' when they darkened Alabama) and then the Florida Klanhandle. That'll be fun.

CAL took this of us standing outside Rudy's in Katy, TX. That is not a dead body on top of the Escape. It's just a part  of the haul. Good times!

Road Trip - Day One

As we made final preparations for Phase Three of Vacation Shenanigans 2015 last night, my brother-in-law made a crack about us recreating the journey of those unfortunate souls in "The Grapes of Wrath." That got me to thinking. Yes, we are making a cross country trek in a vehicle that has more seam-busting and junk bulging from it than a middle-aged German tourist in a Speedo on Mallorca. We are heading east to Florida rather than west to California in search of prosperity (well, CAL's internship). With those changes in mind and with all apologies to John Steinbeck, we are now on The Oranges of Wrath Tour 2015.

After 10 and 1/2 hours of driving that started this morning in Chandler, AZ, we are now taking refuge in a non-descript hotel under renovation in the middle (not even) of the snowy (yeah, thanks for that Ma Nature) country of Texas (it just never ends). Some highlights from the day's adventure:

Arizona

We stopped off on the far side of Tucson to see the stunningly patient and mighty fine SML's brother and his family. Knowing that we suffer from a dearth of good Mexican food in Connecticutistan, they chose a fine little Mexican joint. I ordered a chorizo burrito, which in retrospect and in the prophetic words of the great sage Ron Burgundy was "a bad choice." Why? Well, I love me some chorizo but it's effect on me is highly fluid, like the Kardashian family morals. Suffice to say, I have paid a price to insure that my wife and daughter did not suffer. I'll leave it at that...

New Mexico

The Land of Enchantment. No, no it is not. Sure, there's Taos and its beauty. There's Santa Fe and its art and vortexes. Then there is the glory that is the Hatch Chile. However, the highlights of NM along the I10 include Lordsburg, Deming and Las Cruces. I'm really glad CAL drove the NM leg so I could sleep. Sorry, NM, but enchantment is not the first word that comes to mind.

Texas

We blew into El Paso and its twin across the border, Ciudad Juarez, the day after they got pounded by a freaky snow storm. Very strange to see both cities awash in snow. We also got to see the physical manifestation of the idea of nirvana of everyone's favorite fascist, xenophobic, loud-mouthed bully of an uncle, Donald Trump, in the form of the wall between El Paso and Juarez. As we drove out of El Paso into the eerily dark Texas night, the presence of Border Patrol was thick. It's a very cold night here so hopefully it'll be a warm night for those taken in this evening.

So Day One is in the books. San Antonio, Houston and who knows how far into Louisiana we'll get tomorrow. This much I know though - there's a Waffle House with my name on it. It's not a road trip until you've choked down a waffle from the WH.