24

Let's talk about 24.

No, not the Fox series of old (and soon to be rebooted). Nor the fact that there are 24 hours in a day. Nor the fact that the number 24 is is the only nontrivial solution to the cannonball problem. In a shock to no one, I have absolutely no idea what that problem is. None.

Instead let's talk about the fact that we have a Den member turning 24 today. It's CAL's birthday and we are lucky to be together today. It's nice to have her here to celebrate and even nicer that we got to spend it in one of her favorite cities - New York. One of the benefits of life behind the Connecticutistan Curtain is the ability to slip from underneath it (it helps that our iron-gloved overlord, Martha Stewart, is presently distracted by her dalliance in the form of a cooking show with Snoop Dogg Lion) and make our way to either NYC or Boston.

New York City the day after Christmas is not for the faint of heart, especially if you find yourself in Midtown, which we did towards the end of our day. First, though, we started our day at the 9/11 Memorial and Museum as CAL had not yet seen the Museum and that was top o'her list. If ever I am not moved as I visit that sacred place, please find the person who bought my soul and try and get it back. I was stunned this time by one of the things I had missed in previous visits and maybe I'll talk about that in a later post. Suffice to say, it took my breath away.

After that, it was time to celebrate CAL's birthday with a little indulgence in the form of the goodness that is available at the Momofuku Milk Bar. Their six layer birthday cake looked awesome but they don't sell slices - only the whole cake for $42, so birthday cake pop truffles were the order of the day. This location of the Bar is on 56th between 5th and 6th, smack in the middle of Fuhrer Trump's lockdown area (our cab driver was not happy with the blocked streets as it is impacting his ability to get into very busy and popular areas -given that he was of Arab descent I suspect the Fuhrer could care less about the impact on this man's ability to earn a living), so we knew we wouldn't be getting a cab anywhere near  there to get us back to Tribeca. CAL wanted to see the Tree at Rockefeller Center anyway and the crowds on 5th Avenue were teeming. We got as close to the Tree as we could - close enough for this picture:

Then we made our way over to 6th Avenue into a crowd of people that can only be described as "Tourists As Far As The Eye Can See." Most were clambering to get to Radio City to see the Rockettes, while all we wanted to do was get to a subway station. Fortunately, we made it and on the F and C trains we went. After a three borough tour (Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens), which is what happens when you accidentally wind up on the Brooklyn Bridge instead of the FDR (don't ask), we were on our way home.

It's been a good day. We are fortunate and blessed that our now 24 year old was happy to celebrate her day with us. We are even more fortunate to be her parents.

Happy birthday, CAL!

#roachrant2016

Yeah, this is pretty much how it played out

One of the things I had warned CAL about as she made the move to America's, oh how do I put this delicately, most insane state, was its state bug, the cockroach, or the Palmetto Bug as it is graciously called there. Let me assure you, as I tried to assure and warn her as any good father/Florida refugee would, there is nothing gracious about this indestructible strain of cockroach. I knew it would only be a matter of time before she'd have a dramatic encounter with one of them.  When I woke up this morning and opened my Twitter feed, there it was. She'd had her Palmetto bug showdown and she documented the whole thing in an epic Twitter rant. With her permission, I share it with you now in the order it played out, because it's genius.

• Tonight marks a truly defining moment for me. As I'm getting into bed I hear this noise in my blinds. I thought it was just a fly no big deal.
• I keep hearing the noise and then I see its no fly...it's a FREAKING COCKROACH! So I jump out of bed and run into my bathroom and slam the door.
• I sat in the bathroom for 3 minutes listening to this nasty thing take over my room like its the freaking Queen of England 
• After 8 minutes of hiding in the bathroom and every so often opening the door to see if I can see it, I decided to put on my big girl pants.
• I stepped out of the bathroom flip flop in hand ready to kill, and I saw it on my laptop. No way was I going to get it on my computer.
• So I ran back into the bathroom. Two more minutes pass and I step out again. There it is just siting on the floor...taunting me... 
• I flailed my arm and smacked down on the ground as hard as I could. I had my eyes closed so I didn't know if I'd actually killed it.
• So I open my eyes hoping this cockroach would be dead & not spring back at me the second I opened my eyes. And there it was dead on the ground.
• I had killed it! There was no life left in that cockroach to come back at me. I ran back to the bathroom to grab tissues to cover this thing.
• Then I grab that pile of tissues with the roach dead inside and flushed that thing down the toilet as hard as I could.
• And that is the end of my story. It was probably the most terrifying 13 minutes of my life.
• But I alone killed a cockroach and I didn't even cry or scream for help. Tonight is a really big night for me.

So there you have it. No crying. No screaming. PETA be damned. She took care of that nemesis. That she had the presence of my mind to document it on Twitter in near real time makes me laugh. This probably means if she's ever in an airplane evacuation, she'll put the evac on Periscope.

#roachrant2016

23

Some things, like honoring birthdays, don't change here in the Den, so today is no different. Today, thanks to her parents and their impeccable family planning timing, CAL celebrates a birthday.

It is her 23rd. She is now a college graduate. She is embarking on that great adventure known as the Post Graduate Internship. She's chosen a career that puts her in the thick of making life better for children who are very ill. That tells you a lot about our birthday girl.

Another thing that tells you a lot about her is how she's willing to spend her birthday. Last year, it was with us, her mom and dad, walking around Washington DC. This year won't be quite so glamorous. The three of us will be jammed into her heavily laden moving van (and by moving van, I mean her Fird Escape) as we begin a test run in advance of Phase Three of Vacation Shenanigans 2015. We get to sing "Happy Birthday" multiple times as we drive from Utah's Dixie to the Valley of the Sweat, I mean Sun, to see family. Is there no finer way to celebrate your 23rd?

I'm just glad we get this time with her. Happy birthday, Princess!

Gradumacation

When Homer Simpson once referenced the learning process, he called it 'edumacation.' Clearly, he was less than a stellar student. I figure he referred to his own graduation ceremony as 'gradumacation,' given that the brain power wattage there isn't exactly running at full power.

Last night, though, there was no display of dim brain power wattage. It was quite the opposite as we gathered at BYU-I in freezing, snowy Rexburg, ID to watch our CAL receive her diploma. Four years of hard work were capped as she strode across the stage, smiling from ear to ear, and shaking hands with the robed university and Church leadership. In that moment, CAL looked confident, happy, and relieved.

For the stunningly patient and mighty fine SML and me, CAL's graduation was a  joy. We kept looking over at each other throughout the ceremony, smiling. We knew what this night meant for our girl. We've watched her work so hard, carrying a crazy class schedule in order to accelerate her graduation timeline. We would try to get her to ease up on her hours but CAL's independent streak and personal commitment won out. It was cool to see one of her professor's seek her out last night to congratulate her, hug her, and tell her "Well done!" I couldn't agree more.

Well done, Princess, well done!

BTW - Remember when we were here earlier this year and I ranted about the dirty Albertson's grocery store? Still not cleaned. Nice.

On Florida Coming Back Into My Life

Late last night, my second-born, the lovely CAL posted the following on the Interwebs:

"I am so happy to finally announce that in just a few short weeks I will be making my way to Florida to begin my internship at All Children's Hospital as a Child Life Specialist. I am so excited for this opportunity and cannot wait for this new adventure!"

Excited doesn't begin to cover it! She has worked so.very.hard to get to this point and this opportunity at All Children's is amazing. This is the first step in securing full-time employment for her and training at a Johns Hopkins-affiliated hospital is some top-notch stuff. The process of securing this internship has been a massive lesson in patience for her, no thanks to the actions of a middling bureaucrat at her university. Suffice to say, I can't even get into it about this person's actions at this point other than to say even JoJo the Dog-Faced Boy would say they were terminable offenses. Maybe when my rage comes off DefCon 5, I'll be able to speak of it...

So my girl is moving to Flo-Ri-Duh. I never suspected that this state would come back into my life in the way it is now. As has been well documented here, I spent two amazing years in South America South Florida as an LDS missionary during the coke-fueled, Cuban boat people, Nicaraguan refugee, 'Miami Vice' years in the 1980's. I loved those two years and the people and I loved the crazy that is the state of Florida. That said, I never envisioned one of my children would be calling it 'home.' Yet, here we are.

When we were in Tampa / St. Pete for Thanksgiving trying to find CAL a place to live, I tried to give her a feel for life in the state that none other than Homer J. Simpson called "America's wang." As we explored the area, each time she or her mother would point out something that seemed a lot little off, I would just shrug and say, "Yeah, well that's Florida." To give her a little more color, I share the following insights (jokes) about Florida from Jack Donaghy (shame on you if you have to ask who Jack is):

But Central Florida is dominated by Jewish retirees, serial killers, and secretly gay Disney princes.

It's a combination of elderly shut-ins, beach bums, bus passengers who run out of money, swamp people, and pirates.

Have you ever been to Florida? It's basically a prison population. It's America's Australia!

Jack nails it, as always. While Jackie D is fictional and his comments about Florida may seem absurd, there is an amazing Twitter account that proves that, indeed, truth is stranger than fiction. I give you @_FloridaMan  

Florida Man Gets Lost at Sea While Riding Jet-Ski, Snapchats

Florida Man Surrenders Marijuana Crop to Police Chopper, Later Learns It Wasn't Looking for Him

Florida Man Caught Driving Cadillac Naked at 110MPH in the Middle of the Afternoon

Florida Man chokes to death while eating steak during his birthday

And then there is this gem, which is my current favorite:

Florida Man Hides from Deputies in Swamp, Eaten by Alligator

Yeah, that one pretty much sums it up. I'm excited that my girl will get to experience the madness. But I'm even more excited for all that she's going to learn as she works with her patients, children that are facing battles I can't even begin to imagine. She's going to help them fight.

I am one proud dad.

Making our own 'Parents Weekend'

Because the BYU-I has sought diligently to differentiate itself from its Overlord nestled to the south behind the Zion Curtain in Provo, UT, the BYU, things are a little different in Rexburg, ID.

For instance, there is no official 'Parents Weekend' in Rexburg. This is, in my opinion, a travesty. During Our Lady of Awesome's four years at the BYU, I did four years of Parents Weekend shenanigans and it was great. The first year, back in 2008, spawned a picture featuring me, my daughter, and one Cosmo the Cougar that is in its sixth, yes sixth, year of being used by the University to pimp Parents Weekend. Without a 'Parents Weekend,' no such photo op existed for CAL.

So a few months ago, we decided we'd do our own 'Parents Weekend,' and hence, here we are in Rexburg. A few highlights:

It's summer break here in what is a tiny college town. Without the students, it is a ghost town.

You would think the management of the local Albertsons, a grocery store, would take advantage of the break time to clean up their store. You would be horribly wrong in that assumption.

The owner of the Great Harvest Bread store is my new BFF. We went in the store yesterday afternoon for one of their cookies and they were sold out. This was a devastating blow. She asked me what I was hoping to get and she offered to have it made for me. I will have a dozen cookies waiting for me this morning. All is right in the world.

The campus is beautiful. It would appear the cash I've been sending here the last four years has been well spent. 

Having CAL show us around her workplace in Word Nerd Heaven, the campus library, was great. Did you know that it is someone's job to vacuum the books? Well, it is. I saw them in action yesterday. I was oddly jealous. I want that job.

Because Rexburg is a small town and it's break time, there's not a lot to do. But when you are a quick drive away from Jackson Hole and Yellowstone, you've got options. 

More to come on those stops on the DIY Parents Weekend Tour. Stay tuned!